Christmas is a Farce.

In Japanese, 'Arigato(u)' is actually an apology of sorts. To Americans, it is a corollary to 'thank you' but in Japanese it doubles as 'sorry to have caused you trouble'. As a culture, the Japanese acknowledge the dificulty related to incurring personal debt to someone by giving an unsolicited favor.

It turns out that my idea of favors and the uncomfortable debt they incur is very much like the Japanese.

This Holiday season, I would rather not have people giving me gifts when I am in no position to return the favor, and it's the same reason I demand people not buy me birthday gifts.

At Christmas, since most people I know are cultural Christmas-revelers, I am placed in the unsavory situation of spending money I'd rather not spend on an equally-valued gift, or not returning a gift and sitting there, like a stooge, collecting gifts when I have nothing to give or would rather not participate in the exchange. This is even worse if I have specifically stated that I am not participating in gift-exchange, like I did for 2009 as someone struggling to find work in this bad economy.

However, nobody ever asks others to opt-in or out! There is no list, like a football pool, of who actually wants to participate in this exchange.

People simply include you if they feel like it, and often, you're left surprised and ashamed when some peripheral person you didn't anticipate Ninja-gifts® you with nothing to give in return. Even if people act like they don't care, those who buy gifts generally expect to get them back, right?

People need to realize that not everyone is in good financial standing at this time of year (or any time of year depending on your situation). Insisting on gift-giving puts a burden on others, and people need the option to opt-out of the Christmas or any gift-swapping holiday as needed. Better yet, assume everyone is opting out unless they opt-in.

My philosophy is similar to the philosophy of leaving others alone rather than doing something to them and expecting the same in return; 'Do *not* unto others as you would have them *not* do unto you'. This bit of non-invasive philosophy predates the common Christian 'Golden Rule' which is, 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you', as it espouses leaving others alone rather than foisting your sensibilites on them. If my neighbors love deep-tissue massage at 5am after a 10 mile run, leave me the Hell out of it! I like to sleep in, and find massage rather annoying (especially if I don't know the person).

Last Christmas, I was faced with a huge property tax bill, slow work, potential employers who don't respond because they're on holiday vacations and the same bills as usual. The last thing I want to do is participate in a farce where essentially, I have to buy stuff for other people but am spending generally equal amounts of money knowing what others insist on spending on me every year. Add to this the fact that most of us don't really know what the other needs. If I need my electric bill paid, I certainly cannot put this on a Christmas list! Instead, I'll be forced to give a list of items I don't really need, when in reality I often need cold, hard cash at the end of the year, especially when I am unemployed.

I would much prefer a situation where people buy *themselves* something with as much or as little value as they choose. Then, everyone can meet up for family-friend time, do a show and tell with the actual item, pictures, video, etc. and have a stress free holiday season. Why on Earth do people partake in the massive lemming-fest that is holiday shopping? Why would people choose, willingly, to do a ton of shopping for people when everyone else is doing the same thing, guaranteeing maximum headaches, crowds, annoyance and stress? It's kind of how people all go to work at the same time, clogging the freeways and spending the maximum time possible in traffic.

If people just bought themselves something of as little or much value as they're comfortable, we'd still get time with family/friends but we'd avoid the uncomfortable shopping, wrapping, gift-exchange, the feigned happiness and stress.

We'd avoid the hassle of shopping or getting the wrong gift, clothing the wrong color, style, size, etc. as well as the ever-uncomfortable store-return situation where a receipt is needed. If people simply bought themselves something, they could order it online or shop at their leisure and simply discuss it over dinner with enthusiasm, or even share it with others if it's something that can be brought to a dinner-gathering. This would also be a time people would know they can buy themselves something nice, and it might be a goal which could help people focus and save money the rest of the year.

The only exception I would make to this rule are for kids. Get the kids something (if you can), since they often have no money of their own. I don't wanna be a Scrooge, but I'd like 'opt-out' as the default for adults at least.

The general idea is, if you're in a particularly bad financial spot, buy very little for yourself and nothing for others apart from your time, company and good-cheer, knowing your electric will be on when you get home. If you're doing great, buy yourself something awesome, or even buy someone else something knowing that nothing is expected in return.

Gift-giving should never be considered mutual and should always be an opt-in. The default should be, opt-out, with the understanding that you should never expect anything, but buy something for someone with the clear idea that you shouldn't expect anything in return.

Isn't that what giving is all about?

I opted out of Christmas for 2009, and yes, some people *still* got me gifts. But, I had put others on notice that I was too cash-poor to participate in this exchange, nor do I want to be obligated in years hence. If I am making boatloads of cash, it might be different. Until the next holiday, I will close with this;

'Arigato'. Sorry to have caused you trouble. ;)


-dB-