The Art of the Pick-Up: Conferences

At a recent atheist conference in Dublin, there was a lot of ruckus at PZ Myers's Pharyngula blog about an atheist speaker, Rebecca Watson, being propositioned for in-room coffee by someone she didn't know at 4am whilst they were both in an elevator.

Here are her words:

'Um, just a word to wise here, guys, uh, don't do that. You know, I don't really know how else to explain how this makes me incredibly uncomfortable, but I'll just sort of lay it out that I was a single woman, you know, in a foreign country, at 4:00 am, in a hotel elevator, with you, just you, and—don't invite me back to your hotel room right after I finish talking about how it creeps me out and makes me uncomfortable when men sexualize me in that manner.'

The first thing I can say is that for the guy, this was somewhat of an awkward thing to do since he had no prior interaction with her, however, this *was* an atheist conference and not some random guy asking her this question in a work building or even an apartment building, which would be worse. Conferences tend to put everyone in a different mood, similar to a college dorm, and these kinds of interactions are a bit more common. That doesn't mean some women still won't feel threatened, although some women might accept the offer.

What troubles me is that in the three threads PZ Myers put on his site regarding this incident, there were countless opinions with admonitions regarding 'male privilege', or 'violating a woman's sense of privacy/comfort' or 'potential rapist', 'elevators having no easy escape options' and other silly ruses about 'unwanted advances with possible sexual intent'. Maybe the guy really just wanted to have coffee but was willing to patiently hope for romantic development?

Let's be real here, most men have a poor idea about whether a sexual advance is 'wanted' or not until we make the attempt. Sometimes, we mistake friendliness for sexual interest (and some guys do this way more than others. You know who you are!). Sometimes, women play with our heads, or are genuinely interested in several guys which might include us, etc. Sometimes, persistence pays off or sours the female on wanting further contact. How does one know these things unless one makes some kind of attempt to communicate, lame though it may be?

Some guys would get a strong rebuke in the elevator at 4am with a tired, worn-out female, and some would get laid *right in the fucking elevator*. It really depends on the guy and girl in question, but if we knew you well enough to know what kind of 'sexual advance' was wanted, we'd already know you!

Sometimes sexual advances work, and most of the time (even with a person attracted to you) they won't work on the spot or without some interaction first...but sometimes interaction can get in the way (guys lose their nerve, girls get tired of waiting, etc.). There are times when *not* knowing someone that well is an advantage...especially at conferences where people are on a high and may or may not want some kind of 3-day fling.

Let's turn the tables, if a girl had asked a guy to come to her room for coffee in an elevator after 4am, would he feel threatened? Most guys if they were single and attracted to the female would probably accept, and maybe even ask to skip the coffee. I understand that females are in a different position with respect to vulnerability, but why should we have the pretense of equal rights while women still shrilly whine about 'unwanted sexual advances'? Aren't all sexual advances unwanted, or at least, unsolicited? What should the guy say, 'well she looked at me alluringly' when the female might just say her contacts were blurring up?

Enter George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, etc.. For a lot of women, it's a *wanted* sexual advance, but not for all women (including some who might prefer women). Any of these men could ask a female for coffee at 4am and it would be accepted by quite a few. In fact, there are a number of women who would engage in spontaneous coitus with these men, right in the elevator! Why should we punish the guys for simply being less successful, or being unsuccessful in that instance? I've been hit on by women I don't fancy, or while in a relationship, or by gay men, and I can politely refuse. This doesn't mean I get annoyed with the person for trying because I don't want to breed an attitude where people are afraid to express their feelings in a polite manner (even if it's 4am and I am dead-tired).

We always have the option of saying, 'no', and this assumes non-rapists in all instances. Obviously, even if two people are about to have sex and one declines consent, everything stops, so we're talking about two people simply talking.

The other thing people were complaining about on the Pharyngula threads was the fact that Rebecca Watson was alone in an elevator, and that it was inherently creepy. I agree that there's a bit of creep factor (even though people are on the conference high), but for some people it's titillating (men and women included).

Most guys will always try to isolate a female to ask her out, and few guys want an audience. They may walk you to your car, be driving you home, talk to you somewhere quiet, but few will want to face public rejection asking you with other guys/girls listening (though it does happen). There's even a group dynamic where asking one in a group of girls to dance/go out/have coffee will result in cock-blocking by the jealous/lonely/fugly friends and if there's a straight guy working the patient 'friend/confidante' route, he'll no doubt try to cock block as well. So, most guys will try to isolate females they're interested-in, at least temporarily.

Granted, an elevator at 4a may not be the ideal choice with no-prior interaction, but people were whining about a 'lack of escape' too.

Again, perhaps a bad choice on the part of the guy, but at least he was rejected without an audience. The bad part is, the female has no idea how the male will take rejection, and some people react better or worse when alone than with a crowd, so this is understandable. But, in the case of reasonable adults, a simple 'no' or 'no thank you' will suffice. If it's rape women fear just talking to men, they should probably not go out alone, but most men aren't rapists....but to keep things equal we need to assume all unwanted solicitation for the sake of argument is from non-rapists.

Before any two people get together, there's always 'someone' taking a risk and making a sexual advance, even if it's subtle. Girls do it, guys do it, but if nobody is willing to make a move because we're all worried about offending people, it's only going to get harder for those who already struggle to find relationships. Women will sometimes lament that guys are too shy or not making their move or not moving fast enough, and yet some women want to cry bloody murder when the 'wrong' guy makes a move (as if they're somehow offended) while retaining fantasies of their desired males sweeping them off into the sunset.

It's nothing less than a double standard, and if women want true sexual equality they have to take control of how sexuality works between males and females, and not try to turn men into simpering pussbags because they had a few undesired males take the trouble to get to know them. There's always a risk of offending others with sexual advances but if it were easy then nobody would need those online dating/matchmaking services, right?

I understand Rebecca being slightly creeped-out, but I think she handled the situation well by politely declining the offer (though her boycott of Dawkins due to a flippant comment is over-the-top). I think her advice is generally sound though for some people an elevator is an ideal place to make a pitch (as one might do an elevator movie pitch with a top executive that is otherwise impossible to get a meeting with). Again, people use the isolation tactic all the time. The phrase, 'elevator pitch' is even known to executives who might field these pitches all the time. Most are rejected but some aren't. The same holds true for musicians who find clever and creative ways to give someone their demo CD. So, a verbal solicitation done in a polite way is NOT a big deal.

We can't really stop those who might be attracted to us and who might be unaware of our relationship status. I do think it's better to gently guide someone in the right direction (hints about relationship status work well) than act indignant and offended simply because someone showed interest in an awkward or non-ideal way with a mere verbal inquiry.

I know a guy who asked a girl what time it was, and she responded, 'I have a boyfriend!'. This is exactly the kind of over-reactive nonsense I am talking about, but all it took was a verbal response to shut him down (albeit harshly). ;)

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