The Real Housewives of New York! OMG WHAT?

And now for something completely, totally different.

Like some of you, I'm a fan of reality TV, and that includes the Real Housewives of New York (and the others). Now don't get me wrong, I don't care about who's wearing Prada or rocking the latest dress from Dolce and Gabanna. Nooo. I watch for different reasons...mostly, for behavioral reasons as well as the sheer joy of seeing people get called on their bullshit! I also get a laugh out of the mixed metaphors (and malapropisms).

I watch RHONY (I'm abbreviating already like you're Andy Cohen, all up on the dirt and lingo) because I like to watch the various strategies these women employ when trying to B.S. each other and it's great when they get called out on their shenanigans.

For instance (ok, non-RHONY fans are probably tuning out, see you next post, lovies), that Kelly Bensimon is one loopy, crazy bitch. Gummy Bears and Cartwheels? More like a Dixie™ cup of sedatives and mental-stabilizers. It's a good thing she's rich and privileged coz she couldn't think her way out of a twin bed.

Bethenny is a loose stick of dynamite in a sparkler factory, but hilarious and refreshingly honest. Sometimes her humor bites, but I find her perspective mostly on point, and she's adept at calling the other people (ahem, Jill and Kelly) out on their bullshit. Sometimes, I think she's actually remarkably restrained.

Ramoner (I am speaking Jillous™ here) with those crazy eyes and her robot-style catwalk is nutty, but lovably sincere and irresistably blunt. It's like she can't help but say what she thinks, but I find that endearing and refreshing. I love when she had her 17-year marr-, um, re-commitment ceremony (what do I call it!?) and told her husband that she loved him forever...(crazy eyes on) and EVER (slightly creepy, but still endearing). Mario just seems happy to be along for the ride.

Jillous is a conniver, a spin doctor, and what appears to be a gold-digger who seems miserable with her life. Her hubby is like 3 or 30 years older, and sure he seems nice enough, but yeah, did she sell out for money? You be the judge. I've never seen someone spin such obvious bad behavior like the recipient simply 'misunderstood' it. She must think everyone's as dumb as she is two-faced.

Alex is the level-headed geek who's finally coming out of her shell, having finally been asked to dance by that freckled-ManGinger™ in the red-vinyl pants. But Simon seems awesome...metrosexual, in-touch with his goofy side, not afraid to make an ass of himself but with a brain. I adore those moments when Alex shows her teeth...she's got a lot going on and she's not taking any shit from ANYONE anymore, got it? Now Alex and Simon, control your god-damned hamburger-mashing leg-humping Frenchified kids before we sic Grandma Wrinkles on them!

LuAnn the He-Woman is great (as in large) but no really I like LuAnn. Money can't buy her class, but as Andy Cohen said on 'Watch What Happens' it sure as Hell bought her Auto-Tune, and there's nothing wrong with that. I just find it crazy that Kim Z. of 'Tardy for the Party' fame, being the tuneless wig-wearing, chain-smoking no-talent hack with phrasing from Hell had the gall to say she didn't like the Countess's song. Ok look, we're all humoring you. Kim, you have ZERO talent, so remember the glass houses and stones thing. Kim Zolciak is proof that a fetus wailing into a condenser mic can hit the top 10 at iTunes with the right producer, but at least the Countess has some decent phrasing. So Kim, lighten up on the criticism....remember, we all saw your vocal takes which made William Hung sound like a 5-octave Julliard vocal instructor.

Actually, that crazy Danielle from the New Jersey cast actually sings decently (if not a bit breathy). We know you're a gay advocate Danielle, now get off the lesbian and speaking of women, learn how to say WOMEN! You sound like Tom Vu referring to women as 'woman' all the time, silly!

Sonja is just a breath of fresh air...stays out of the drama, is a safe-zone for Kelly (like the nice, underpaid babysitter who takes care of your extra-chromosome kids all hopped up on Pop Rocks and Capri Sun) but she's a riot too...can't wait to see more from her. I love how she said (on Scary Island), 'Don't leave me alone with her!'.

Why am I writing all this? Well, I enjoy watching the things these women do, the crazy crap they say and the way they try to 'spin' it all, pretend certain things never happened, pretend we 'misunderstood' them, damage relationships and try to fix them.

Ok, by 'women' (not the Danielle pronounciation) I mean Jill and Kelly. KOOKADOODLEDO!

Jill must think everyone is a dunce, where she can say and so whatever she feels like, and then just fix it later with an insincere 'I'm sorry' as people run through a laundry list of her bad behavior.

When asked to clarify her 'Bethenny, we are done', on one of the Reunion shows, Jill passed that off as if it was a common thing among her family and friends.

'Hey Jill, how are you?'

'Atheist Angle, we are done!'

'Oh, done talking...or like, done for good?'

See, rational people understand 'we are done' as 'we are no longer friends' and not 'we are done talking'. For Jill to spin that comment as anything other than 'we are done' is her saying, 'Wow, I think you're really, really stupid and you'll believe me so I can stop feeling like such an evil douchenozzle and hey look don't you have anything to say about Kelly?'.

Then, Jill basically used the direct 'I'm sorry' approach in the reunion shows, since it worked so well for Bethenny and the Countess, where Bethenny just apologized, straight up. Jill was like, 'I'm sorry, you know what? I'm sorry I shouldn't have done/said that'. If Jill means so well, why did she spend 5 minutes apologizing for a litany of complaints from Bethenny, Alex and Ramoner?

I think the difference here is that Bethenny was sincere, and well Jill....she's just uncomfortable.

Now speaking of uncomfortable, what the flying fuck is up with Kelly? That chick is psychotic...like, having some kind of mental issues, since at Scary Island™ (as she calls it) she wasn't making any kind of sense. What was funny about Kelly was her attempt to control conversation, all the while thinking SHE was being attacked. Who the Hell turns an amazing vacation into something scary and stupid? Kelly does, that's who.

First, Kelly seemed horrified at Bethenny's gift basket outside her door. Yes, I know, that's crazy that Bethenny would do such a thing, after all, Kelly kept insisting Bethenny was out to kill her. OMG! Surprise bath essentials, a towel and assorted Bethenny-branded merchandise! CALL THE FBI!

Then, Kelly keeps trying to block any kind of compliments about Bethenny's cooking, insisting also that Bethenny is not a chef but a cook. Newsflash, a chef is a rank OR a reference to someone who has cooking credentials related to a reputation for cooking, usually with some kind of formal or real-world training. But if you look around, Kelly, you're on a reality show with other women getting paid to vacation together. Bethenny doesn't exactly need to actually work in a restaurant full-time to be a chef, does she? No, and I doubt she'll be applying at Wolfgang Puck's after the season ends.

At dinner, Kelly told Ramoner to 'zip it' a few times when she's was trying to make some kind of announcement. Lemme tell you, one of my friends tells me to 'zip it' (and means it) and there's gonna be a problem. Sorry, I'm not a cocker spaniel. Your request for my silence requires more than 'zip it', so Kelly has to be on crack if she thinks this is a way to get adult women to stop talking (especially when they're just having fun and not even attacking you). I tell you what tho, someone does need a referee's whistle every time Kelly brings out the crazy...or maybe a few Gummy Bears and a placating smile. There, there. All better. No one's going to hurt you...

If that weren't enough...Kelly kept thinking she was under attack. Gee, who else tells others to shut up while insisting they're the ones under attack? That's right, religionists....and it's hilarious. They make up a large majority, have slandered atheists (or the insufficiently devout) for thousands of years and are forever trying to get us to shut up, while they loudly proclaim their faith and scream oppression if we try to stop or notice their enduring oppression. I couldn't help but make this connection when watching Kelly unravel into a mental mush as her favorite method of dealing with conflict was removed (making a grand exit). I found it hilarious that Bethenny made a point of noticing this.

What else is hilarious is that earlier in the season, Kelly held up one hand over the other and said to Bethenny, 'I'm up here and you're down here'. That's clear, but it was fun trying to see some of the housewives try to play that off as if Bethenny misunderstood it. No, it's clear, but it was interesting seeing the group try to accomodate KrazyKelly just to ease tensions. Sorry KookoodoodleKelly, your meaning was clear, and you what? We are done.

It seems Jill's actions can no longer be fixed with her empty words. I understand she feels real emotion, possibly, but those could be the tears of frustration at herself. The thing is, her maneuvering is finally being called out, and it's delicious. It seems just trying to get everyone to re-interpret reality with her spin isn't working...again, kinda like religion, no? The bullshit is stinking through the veneer, and it's about time. I thought it was really classic when Jill intimated that there would be some sex for her quite elderly hubby Bobby if she 'felt some jewelry' on her, and that he 'would feel something good later'. Wow. Ok, I know he's older. She might really just like older guys. Older guys like young girls like Hef for his....age. She also really, really loves jewelry...but to offer sex on camera for jewelry....did she really do that on camera? Hmmmm.....you know,

The next time Bobby gets to 'feel something good' he should wait right after he's finished and say to Jill, 'We are done!'. Let's see if Jill takes that the wrong way.

So, I am looking forward to the new season of RHONY. It'll be interesting if Bethenny comes back, now that she's getting married(?), and we'll see if Jill manages to get Bethenny to give her a second chance, now that Bethenny is no longer an 'underdog' and has plenty for Jillous to be Jillous of. Can't beat 'em? May as well join 'em, right?

That's it for now. I better stop now or I'll risk making a mountain out of a Holemill™. You know what? We are done.

And that's the atheist-angle on RHONY. Hope you enjoyed the change-of-pace. Till next time, lovies.

-dB-