My Girlfriend's a Catholic

The topic of religion often comes up when couples are dating, often as an important criteria for pursuing a relationship further. How do two people with different ideas about religion agree on their different faiths, traditions, families and their opinons, marriage ceremonies, child-rearing and everything else that is affected by religion?

For instance, when a Jew is dating a Christian and the chemistry is otherwise good, how do they resolve that one believes Jesus to be their lord and savior, and the other doesn't even believe Jesus is the son of their common God? Sure, some people will ditch their earnestly-held faith and convert (which I find hilarious), but generally, I suspect if the differences are strong enough this becomes a dealbreaker for the relationship, or a source of unending argument, especially if the couple have kids. Do we send him to Hebrew school or Jesus Camp?

While I was raised a Catholic, I am an atheist who views religion like an anthropologist views the rituals of African Zulu or Maori ritual dance. I see all religion as erroneous inventions of fallible men trying to explain the unknown, and I understand that most people are religious. Personally, I'm no more offended by the Scientologist, the Jew, the Christian or the Muslim (ok I am more offended by Islam, generally). But you get the point, I think it's all nutty, and I don't really believe their stories, I just worry that THEY believe them...a little too much sometimes.

My girlfriend of 12 years, you may be surprised to learn, is a Catholic, having been raised exhaustively as a Catholic, attending Catholic girl's schools all the way till college (also Catholic).

How is it that one of the most atheist guys on the planet like me can be with a nice Catholic girl for that long without issue?

Well, the simple answer is, she's a terrible Catholic, but a great person (proving once again that ethics and religion are not one and the same).

Yes, she's a bloody-gawd-awful Catholic, and she'd be ex-communicated for any number of reasons, not the least of which is being with an atheist in an unmarried live-in relationship for 12+ years, and I am not her first atheist boyfriend. If that wasn't enough, we don't go to church on Sundays (and I work on Sunday as often as possible), we eat meat on good Friday, never give up anything for Lent (or his brother Larry) and did I mention she lives with an outspoken atheist with an ascerbic atheist blog?

She's also the biggest fag-hag ever...having grown-up in Hollywood and is well acclimated to gay people. Sure, I have gay friends too (one dear friend who I've known since 6th grade) and I understand the possible evolutionary reasons why straight people keep making gay people, but as a Catholic she technically claims belief in a Bible which condems gays to death in Leviticus. However, like most Christians, she simply ignores the Draconian parts of the Bible or the parts she doesn't know about. In large part, she is a product of her environment (progressive, liberal L.A.). She is personally modern and reasonable enough to understand why being gay is a normal part of the human experience, and it's yet another reason we get along great, since I am socially progressive myself.

If we were to have kids, I already mentioned that there would be no way in Hell I would raise them religious. That's a dealbreaker to me. The thing is, neither of us want kids. Things are hard enough at times, and I think neither of us really wants that kind of responsibility since we want to keep our freedom and financial flexibility, especially in this economy. There are simply enough kids in the world already. I've already had the vasectomy, and after 25+ years of birth control she can finally quit that. It worked out for both of us.

As for marriage, I'm very up front about not getting married, and I've written at length about it here in this blog. I've never married anyone and don't plan to. I find marriage to be a sloppy conflation of government and a private relationship, and I boycott marriage since not everyone enjoys this privilege....I want my gay friends to be able to get married too. I also hate the fact that straight couples under 62 cannot be domestic partners and are railroaded into marriage as an only option. Gay couples can be domestic partners but can't get married in CA. Marriage sucks, and I am not going to partake in this silly ritual....especially considering the ridiculous alimony laws. That said, there's no conflict about 'what kind of wedding to have' since we're not getting married. Also, we're living proof that we don't need to be married. Our 12+ year relationship has lasted longer than many married couples. If you're going to stay together, you don't need marriage, and if you're going to separate you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. All logical roads lead to the fact that not getting married is the most flexible option. The only downside is that there is still discrimination against unmarried couples, which will change, eventually.

Speaking of marriage, I doubt you would have an atheist 'convert' to any religion just to be with a person, and chances are anyone with an atheist for enough time will lose their religion, as religion stands no chance against honest review. Religion only survives with the white noise of distraction, or simply running away from the argument and attempting to keep dissent silent.

We get along because while she labels herself as a Catholic (I call her an awful Catholic), we share the same ethical standards. Both of us are democrats, we're both socially progressive and are cool with the gays. We both enjoy sleeping in on Sundays and she doesn't get weirded out by my atheism...in fact, I think we agree on a lot of points, but she's not emotionally ready to totally give up her Catholicism, and I am ok with that too. Everyone deals with challenges to their religion in their own time. It took me a month to dump my religion when challenged, but our personalities are very different when it comes to confrontation.

Now, when quizzed on science, I can see where her Catholic education failed her. She had very little understanding of science and evolution, and thought the Sun went around the Earth! I've fixed all that, and she's a bright woman...she accepts evolution and I'm helping fix some of the holes in her religious-centric education. Some of that education comes during the holidays, when I explain the real Pagan origins of Christmas and Easter, and it's fun conversation on the way to family gatherings.

It was really funny when her family found out I was atheist. Her dad asked me to lead the prayer one Thanksgiving, and I said, 'you're asking the wrong guy' haha, but I refrained from explicitly stating my atheism at that moment, in front of everyone. There were no follow-up questions, and no more prayer requests. Once the alcohol was flowing, a crazy Englishman I didn't know raised a toast to atheism...I don't remember how it came up, but it was hilarious when three of us at the table outed ourselves and joined in on the toast. One of those toasters was the father-in-law of my girlfriend's sister! The look of shock was priceless (from me as well, to be sure), but we were all sufficiently imbued to make it a funny coming-out party.

After that point, when her parents were ok with with my non-belief, I think she understood that even if she lost her faith, things would be ok. People are people, and no matter what they label themselves, you can only really judge them based on what they say and what they do. Ethics, in the end, is what matters. Her parents never grilled me on my atheism, and never even brought it up. Sometimes I wonder if they truly absorbed what happened that Thanksgiving night, but I see no need to press the issue.

Ethical people don't need religion, and someone who is sufficiently irreligious is tantamount to an atheist, in practice. Like my girlfriend...she's such a bad Catholic that we agree on almost any ethical or social issue. It seems the more people ignore their religion, the more they're free to be truly ethical humans, considering moral dilemmas with compassion and logic, not the dictates of Bronze-Age shepherds.

I'm very glad my girlfiend is a terrible Catholic. Maybe someday she'll be a baby atheist, but I am not going to rush her. <3

-dB-